Figuring out the big wide world on your own for the first time in your 20s is both transformative and incredibly intimidating, especially with the looming pressure to “succeed” hanging over you.
But what does success even mean?
Now, is the perfect opportunity to define success on your own terms and take the first step in building a life that is both fulfilling and authentic.
This guide will walk you through figuring out what success looks like to you, with introspection, practical steps and my favourite helpful tools.
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Understanding the Problem
The reason that your early 20s, feel so daunting is because it’s the first time in your life where no one is telling you what to do.
You and your peers are no longer on the same trajectory.
After graduation, it didn’t feel like I was embarking on an exciting adventure towards unknown horizons.
It felt like I had just woken up on a boat that I was expected to captain across the Atlantic Ocean, having never been taught how to sail.
I thought everyone felt the same as I did, planning to regroup and spiral at home for a while, before commencing the next phase of life with some much needed clarity.
But reality looked very different. While I was still learning “How to steer a boat 101”, I saw my peers on very different paths:
- Portside: I could see most of my university peers diving into further education or corporate jobs.
- Many started working before we even had our graduation ceremony, the wind already in their sails.
They had climbed onto the corporate ladder, and made the first step on the “right” path.
- Starboard: I saw my hometown friends that were still at university, charting a course to become scientists, medical professionals and engineers.
Meanwhile I was barely keeping afloat.
A Shift in Perspective
I felt like a complete and utter failure. I began thinking through my options.
“I should move to London and go work at a big corporate bank” … Well, no I actually don’t want to do that at all.
“Ok then go and get a PHD” … Absolutely not, I don’t want that either.
So why was I upset, thinking I’d totally failed already? The real failure would be to force myself into living an inauthentic life, devoid of anything I actually wanted to do.
Why Success is Subjective
If you google ‘how to be successful’; once you’ve waded through the sea of snake oil salesmen with an inevitable podcast and online get-rich-quick scheme in tow, you’ll see they all say the same thing:
“success means something different to everyone.”
In theory this is true.
But how many of us have actually stopped to assess our own hierarchy of needs to define what would constitute self-actualisation for us, or on a slightly less dramatic scale, success?
External factors like your upbringing, financial standing and cultural values play a huge role in forming this perception.
It’s a curious dichotomy that we seem to be simultaneously aware that it has a subjective definition, and yet as a society success is still implicitly understood in fairly traditional terms:
- Financial freedom
- A respectable career
- A functioning family
- A degree (or two!).
There’s a ‘right’ way of doing things, and a quiet expectation of the ‘right’ age to achieve them by.
In many families, these views are handed down from parent to child, where corporate climbing and the pursuit of a high-earning career are not only expected, but demanded, lest you be seen as a failure.
But, dictionary aside, success has a different definition according to each and every one of us.
Therefore, you should be the only one who decides what it looks like, and how it punctuates your life.
So how do you do it?
What do you want? Practical Steps
Write it Down: 4 Lists for Clarity
Success has a very fluid definition, so work out yours. The best way to do this is to start with a pen and paper and make 4 lists.
Try and think as big picture as you can, even if your big picture is only the next few months. Jot down what it is you want your life to look like.
- To Do : List what you want to achieve (e.g. travel, start a business, write a book, land your dream job).
- To Be : Write the traits you want to embody (e.g. kind, brave, understanding)
- To Feel : Describe how you want to feel within yourself (e.g. confident, happy, positive, calm)
- To Have : Note material or immaterial things you strive to obtain (e.g. a house, a happy family, financial freedom)
What you write down can be big or small picture and as long or short as you want; either way it can be very insightful to see your goals and desires written down.
Identify Your Values
What matters most to you, right now? List 3-5 core values, things that you try to live by, or portray in your every day actions: friendship, honesty, ambition, independence etc. Compare these values with your lists.
Do they align?Making note of these connections will help you not only understand what you want, but why you want it.
Set Flexible Goals
Using your lists and personal values, you can set goals that align with and reflect your version of success
You may be able to come up with a concise one sentence definition, or it may be that the intangible idea of your personal success is a bit too hard to put into words.
It doesn’t matter, either way, understanding what constitutes success in your book will help guide you in living a life that is fruitful and meaningful according to you.
Be open to your priorities evolving.
The things that seem the most important now may well be completely different in a couple of years, or even just 6 months.
Best Methods for Defining Success
- Use Vision Boards: Vision boards are one of the most helpful tools I have found when it comes to goal setting and clarity around what you want.
- You can make a physical one or use Pinterest to make a digital one.
You can see the emlew blog vision board here.
Scroll through yours, and add to it often, to remind yourself what you’re working towards and why; enjoy the process!
- Try Journaling: If you love getting lost in writing, you can use journaling to explore your own thoughts in a very cathartic way.
- Let your stream of consciousness bring things to the surface.
- Later, go back to reread and reflect on your thoughts, observing how your goals have evolved over time.
- Have Conversations: It doesn’t have to be an overly pretentious and navel gazing conversation.
- Have your friends over, pour some wine and just ask them some open-ended questions about how they view success.
- It’s a light-hearted way to get to know other people and yourself.
Self-doubt is inevitable when redefining success, particularly at this age where nothing seems very solid; you may be doubting yourself on just about everything at this point.
Others may be sceptical or even judgey if your versions of success are poles apart. But therein lies the beauty: success’s definition becomes a very personal thing.
If you let go of the need for instant results or perfection, figuring out what you want to do and how to get there can actually be quite fun.
Redefine then Redesign
Everything may be falling apart around you, but that’s the perfect time to pick up the pieces and redesign how they fit back together. Even if the end product looks completely different than anything you have ever had before.
You can let external factors dictate what success is, but you will always be chasing external validation.
If you stop and think about what success means to you, you carry that intrinsic guidance with you for the rest of your life.
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