Loneliness is arguably inseparable from the human condition itself. We all go through phases of standing in its cold shadow. It’s not just being alone; you can be completely by yourself and still feel very happy and content. Rather, loneliness comes from an internal disconnect where we don’t know ourselves well enough, if at all. In this case, spending time alone can feel incredibly daunting and awkward. Loneliness quickly turns from feeling like sitting in the passing afternoon shade to waiting out an eternal twilight.

While personally struggling with my post graduation loneliness as I adjust to a sudden lack of social interaction and friends after moving back home, I have discovered the strength and importance of being your own best friend. This is one of the most important ways to overcome and cope with periods of loneliness.

It’s not just about getting through the hard times; it’s about turning solitude into a skill that benefits you for life. When you become comfortable with your own company, you rely less on external validation and more on your inner strength, something you can take forward with you into your relationships, career, and personal growth.

So here’s a practical guide to becoming your own best friend; because in the end, when you can rely on yourself for comfort, support, and validation, you’re never truly alone.

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Focus on What You Actually Want to Do

The backbone of practising this is agreeing to get to know yourself without judgement, even if it feels uncomfortable.

You come home from a hectic day at uni, school, work, or even just seeing friends. You’ve been around people all day, but now you’re home. The noise stops, the distractions fade, and it’s just you. For many (myself included), this is terrifying. The silence can feel overwhelming, especially if you’re not used to sitting with yourself.

But if I’ve learned anything, it’s that this discomfort in silence stems from a discomfort within yourself. A first date can be awkward because you don’t know the person opposite you very well, but then fast forward a year or two into the relationship, and you’ve never been more yourself around another person. It’s the same thing with knowing yourself.

The key is to ask yourself what you want to do with that quiet, alone time. Do you want to sit on the sofa and scroll TikTok for hours? Or is that just what you’re used to?

Being your own best friend means knowing yourself well enough to make choices that truly align with what you enjoy. Is there a hobby you’ve lost touch with? Something you’ve always wanted to try but never had the courage to start? Be inquisitive and treat yourself like you would a friend, asking questions, exploring your likes and dislikes, and taking time to do what genuinely makes you happy.

Get to know you, because it’s far more comfortable to spend time alone with a close friend than a total stranger.

Stop Comparing Yourself to Others

It’s commonly said that comparison is the thief of joy, and it’s never been easier to fall into that trap. Social media makes it so simple to compare yourself to the heavily curated lives of others. But there is no point in taking someone’s ‘aesthetic’ Instagram post as the standard against which to compare yourself.

The internet means that people’s lives have become content we consume as silent observers, rather than lived experiences we are a part of. As a result, we can tend to view our own lives as such. But there is no audience watching, there is no need to scrutinise your performance.

I was recently talking to a friend and I started to speak badly about myself. She interrupted me to snap “Hey! Don’t talk about my friend like that!”, and it completely shifted my perception of self.

When you constantly pick yourself apart, you’re not supporting yourself when you need it most. During moments of loneliness or isolation, we’re at our most vulnerable, and if you can’t rely on yourself to offer kindness or understanding, it deepens that sense of being alone.

Breaking this habit is tough, especially when we’re already feeling isolated and vulnerable. In those moments, it’s easy to project our insecurities, convincing ourselves that everyone around us is judging us just as harshly as we are judging ourselves. But the truth is, they’re not.

Think about the people you love in your life. Have you ever thought:

“I like her because she has a flat stomach”

“I’m her friend because she doesn’t have acne”

“I hang out with her because of how expensive her clothes are and how small her nose is”

No, you haven’t. So why assume others do? Why treat yourself that way?

Humans were never meant to have unprecedented resources to compare ourselves to hundreds of people at once, and doing so only leads to insecurity. When you stop comparing yourself to others, you free up the energy to grow into your own skin, and realise the things you actually like about yourself.

Show yourself the same grace and kindness you show others. When you’re confident in who you are and truly appreciate yourself, you can always count on having at least one person in your corner: you.

It’s Okay to Turn Your Brain Off

This may sound counteractive to what I’ve said before, but I truly believe that it’s completely fine to use your phone as a way to quiet your brain if it’s done in moderation. With the internet exposing us to the constant pressure of seeing everyone’s ‘perfect’ lives, there’s this growing expectation to always be productive, to always be improving yourself. But sometimes, what you really need is to turn your brain off for a bit, and that’s okay.

The same way it’s sometimes nice to sit in comfortable silence with a friend, it can be nice to enjoy your own company while scrolling through TikTok or Instagram. But it has to be a treat, not the standard. Sitting in silence with a friend is nice until you realise five hours have passed and you haven’t said a word. The same is true for TikTok. You can’t let hours go by mindlessly scrolling without engaging with yourself or the world around you.

If you need to unwind by watching Instagram reels for 20 minutes after a long day, that’s totally fine. Sure, there are probably healthier ways to relax, but you don’t need to feel guilty about it. Being your own best friend means knowing when to give yourself a break. The key is moderation: if you can put your phone down after 20 minutes and still feel good, you’re in control. If not, then there’s something to be addressed

There are tons of apps that can time-lock you out of social media or remind you to take a break, like ScreenZen. These really help disrupt the endless scroll and remind you that there’s more to life than what’s on your screen.

My dad is one of the healthiest people you could ever meet. He does multiple IronMan triathlons a year, lives off granola, and loves journaling. But every evening after dinner, he scrolls through dog videos and TikToks. Balance is key, and it works for him.

Loneliness can often lead us to seek immediate distraction through our devices, but numbing your brain for a short while with some mindless entertainment (in moderation) can be a form of self-care too. What’s important is not letting it consume all your time. You need to connect with yourself, rather than constantly seeking distractions. If you don’t, you’ll either feel even more removed from your reality, or you’ll get caught in the endless trap of thinking you’re never doing enough to ‘improve’.

Think about it: you would hate to see a friend constantly overwhelmed with trying to improve themselves, always pushing and stressing over whether every single habit and activity is productive. On the other hand, wouldn’t it also be upsetting to see that same friend glued to their phone all the time, lost in the endless scroll? You have to extend that same consideration to yourself, even if it means having to expose yourself to the silence of spending time alone.

Remember, you exist outside of the device in your hand. You are so much more than that.

Never Stop Learning

Spending time alone, especially when feeling lonely, can be a blessing in disguise. After graduating, I’ve felt utterly lost, as many generations of 20-somethings before me have, and one thing I miss most is learning. For nearly two decades, education filled my days with structure and purpose. Now, that’s suddenly gone, and the result is a sense of aimlessness.

One of the hardest parts of being alone is not knowing what to do with yourself. This uncertainty can quickly spiral into self-doubt, making you question whether there’s anything special or interesting about you. But rather than letting these feelings weigh you down, this is the perfect opportunity to invest in yourself.

Loneliness offers a rare moment to sit with your thoughts and grow into a more well-rounded person. Most people get so caught up in their work or lifestyle that they never explore interests outside of their day-to-day responsibilities. However, it’s not about impressing others, or seeking some sense of superiority to justify or compensate for your lonesomeness. Whatever you are intrinsically drawn to is worth pursuing because you should be someone you would enjoy spending time with.

This is where being your own best friend comes in. When there’s no one else to advocate for you, it’s up to you to stay curious and keep learning. Find what sparks your interest, whether it’s reading a book, watching a documentary, or even scrolling through TikTok videos on a topic that excites you. These small acts of self-care not only combat loneliness but also help you become more confident and engaged in the world around you.

Very rarely do we get the chance to focus solely on ourselves, so use this time to explore new passions. When the loneliness fades, you’ll have grown, gained new knowledge, and maybe even discovered a sense of clarity about who you are. Don’t let the isolation define you; let it push you to become someone you truly enjoy being around.

Treat Yourself Just Because

Think about how you’d go out of your way to make your best friend feel special. If you found something you knew they’d love, you wouldn’t hesitate to surprise them. You’d compliment them, make them feel appreciated, and celebrate their little wins. But how often do you do that for yourself?

Loneliness can make you feel a part of you is lost as you don’t receive as much, if any, external validation or small kind gestures from others. Especially when you’re not in the habit of doing these for yourself, this can leave a sizeable void. We all like to feel special and deserving, but there is no need to wait for someone else to realise how great you are before you start acting like it.

Buy the handbag you can’t stop thinking about. Go out of your way to get the sweet treat you’re craving. Compliment yourself just because. Have a spa night just because the mood takes you. Leave notes around your house to remind you how much you appreciate you on those days that feel just a bit harder than usual.

There is a tendency in these instances to feel like such acts are overindulgent or pretentious, but I highly doubt you would think the same of buying a friend flowers ‘just because’ or complimenting a loved ones new outfit. A treat here and there works to undo internalised discomfort that often arises when loneliness creeps in. You can remind yourself you are worth the effort and that your worth is a constant, despite your external circumstances.

Of course every person wants to be needed and noticed, but during certain periods of one’s life connection becomes a scarce resource. And whilst it takes time and practise, through little treats and indulgences here and there you’ll find that you have the ability to bring joy into your own life. This not only helps combat feelings of isolation but also strengthens your connection with yourself, making solitude feel less daunting.

Giving yourself these moments of joy can shift your mindset making it easier to enjoy your own company and feel more at peace with being alone. Plus as a bonus, once you have a baseline for how you value yourself, you won’t accept others into your life who won’t show the same care and consideration.

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Personal Payoff

As soon as you become comfortable with being alone, you become untouchable. Breakups, disagreements, or major unforeseen changes in life don’t hit as hard because you know you have yourself. This is something I’m learning slowly, but it’s already been a game changer.

When I was studying abroad, across an ocean, far from anyone I knew, I had no one but myself to rely on. It was a really tough adjustment, but it forced me to get comfortable with being alone. And guess what? I learned to enjoy and thrive in my own company. My new found appreciation for who I am on the inside manifested in me being my authentic self on the outside.

I didn’t know anyone, and no one had any obligation to step in and fill that void of connection I was experiencing, but they did; because I had already decided that I was someone worth being friends with. Now those that see this value are welcome, and any that can’t…are just missing out.

By the time I returned home after my semester overseas, multiple close friends and family commented on how much I’d changed. I had become sure of myself, and that confidence attracted the right kind of friendships and people into my life.

Being alone is hard, and feeling lonely is even harder, but the one person you’ll always have is yourself. So why not make that relationship the most important and fruitful one you’ll ever have? If you can be comfortable with yourself, truly enjoying your own company you can navigate anything life throws at you.

No one fully has an answer to the big question of “Who Am I?”

So just start by being someone you like.